2023. Times Ticking

Wow.  I didnt think about any of what I've seen or went through since my mom died 7 years ago. New level of stuff to encounter and deeper meaning to things I didn't even dream of. Some of it, I kinda wish I hadn't gone through it but then on the other side I see why I had to go through it. I can honestly say the churches I have gone to do tend to water down the Gospel because they themselves don't know or have never seen what they need to see. I would say most of them just go with the flow about what they have read and what they were taught in the seminary (cemetery). So then in turn we( congragents) are walking around blind to the Whole truth with the watered down stuff.  No wonder I've wanted to scream at certain times of my life because it didn't make since. They weren't giving me all the true facts. So now that I know more truth I'm responsible for a lot more but yet it's a lot bigger pill to swallow. 

Where I am now is on the subject of surrender. My spiritual advisor has been on me to see Surrender and everything that goes with it from a good perspective for several years now. They have tried to help open up my eyes to see maybe what I've not wanted or got around to see yet about laying down our lives at Jesus feet and allowing God to direct us.  Now, mind you, I've had problems with authority for forever and I've always seen them in a bad light. Bosses, Parents, & some teachers that usurp their right to lay down the law to what's right in their eyes. So I've clashed too often to see anybody other than me in the right way. I had a "manager" that was younger than me at a particular time that I clashed with and saw her as a snob. I hated having anybody over me because they never wanted to get to know me, they were just doing a job or had a title. I felt belittled. So I pushed back. Usually I got in trouble since disobedience didn't look good to them, whatever the case.  So I had a hard time trying to understand things from their perspective but I felt like it never got anywhere. They didn't want to know me for me. Or maybe I didn't give them a chance to get to know me.  I was just a pawn on their lawn. I was another victim in their web of ultimate gain. Jo came to be conquered. Never to be loved and blessed.  Or so I thought. 

So now,  Surrender. What does that really mean? What does that look like? Well, I've struggled for years to see it the way I have wanted to see it but to be honest I was wrong.  It is what it is. Surrender is choosing to lay your life at the feet of Jesus and allowing Him to lead you. I have been afraid of having any authoritarian over me because they felt like they could conquer me. Or maybe I was young and naive and allowed them to do it. But, here I am almost 40 and nothing really to my name finally trying to come down off my high horse and see Surrender from a loving perspective.  

So then if we know what surrender looks like, what's the opposite of surrender?  I think it would be striving. Striving is the culmination of doing things the way you see fit. That can be very dangerous behavior. At least I'm starting to see my behavior that way. Whatever the case, I don't want my life to end up in the grave and not have anything good to show for. I have not got to become my true self really just yet so I have so much more to give and learn.  

I certainly don't know everything there needs to know, but I know a lot more and can adjust my attitude and choices to make use of what I've been given of my last years here on earth.