Friday, October 4, 2013


Websters dictionary defines Trust as
1. an assured reliance on someone or something.
2. a dependance on something future or contingent.
3. an equal right or intrest in something of value.

I, however cant seem to Trust God with everything. I have doubts about anything and everything. Just one thing after the other. I tell Him i trust Him with everything, then 2 days later im second guessing myself and i feel foolish. I really want to live freely and not have to worry about the things of this world. Recently a bunch of school friends, relatives, people i know have got engaged or married. I myself have had no relationships in a long long time. I look at the happy faces i see in pictures and want that for myself. I might be a little jealous but sometimes admitting it helps in the healing process.  My cousin got married and she turned 39-40ish. (not sure the correct age) Shes had to wait for almost half of her life to fine someone.  I respect a person of character like her for waiting so long. She seems to be very happy that she waited all that time for a spouse. Its stories like this that make me want to wait for mine, then i get discouraged a day or two later and then i feel like i cant be happy with that choice.

I wrote this back earlier this year and just had not published it yet. 

Do you trust God enough to have a relationship with Him?

So today, I am going to say what a joyous occasion it was when I finally just said to God, *I can't do this anymore*. (Meaning- I can't keep doing what I am doing day in and day out.) I have already acknowledged that Jesus was real and that He was the Savior of my sins period end of story. I did not have a working relationship with Jesus nor did I really, truly, and fully comprehend the fullness of one.  I felt like my head was in the game but my heart just didn't fully understand what was going on.  I am learning a little everyday of what it means and feels like to totally trust God.  I don't want to boast and say I have it all down pat now. That is not what this post is about. But, something inside me really changed. My heart was willing to let go of things i needed to let go of a long time ago.  I remember that night to this day. I was sitting on my bed. I just felt like telling Jesus how I felt *out loud*. I needed to get everything off my chest. I can't remember how many minutes passed but it felt like I was sitting there for 3 hours.  I told Him things from when I was a child all the way up till now that I thought I needed to tell Him. So, there I was, so exposed. I talked to Jesus that night more than I had talked to Him in my entire life. I basically said, Here's my heart God. This frail, torn piece of human flesh, yeah that. It's yours now. Take it. Hide it. Protect me from the evil one.  He still listened. I felt God smiling down on me that night when I was finished with my heart to heart speech.  From that night on, I sleep so much better. There's that peace to where I know that everything will be taken care of. I don't have to worry. 1. Peter 5:7 says this: Cast all your care/your anxiety/your fear on the Lord for He cares for you. He will always be there for you.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I have decided to follow Jesus

So, it has been a while. I have been wanting to write a post down for a long time but never could get thoughts together.  Things in my life recently have been getting a lot better. I have been getting better with people at work. Things that i have been thinking about in my life i have learned to let go and let God deal with them. It has not been easy. For starters, one thing i have dealt with is about men. Specifically about dating and marriage. Everytime I feel lonely and thoughts enter my mind about that subject i know i can not give into it because it will only lead down the wrong path. And believe you me, i have been down a path similar to that and it did not end well. I have made a commitment now that whenever God decides to bring *him* into my life, that i want to be ready for him. I know this is only one step but it was a big step in my life.

I feel like I'm really starting to trust God a little more than i have in the past. I know He wants the best for me and wants me to succeed in life and that can not happen unless we both are on board 100%. I have been having a lot of fear in my life. My fear of failing has always gripped me. Mostly in my younger years is when it started. The Christian school that i went to attributed to some of that fear. My dad placed both me and my older brother in that school only because he felt like we needed to be able to pray in school. I always thought it was because it was filled with rich snobs who where stuck up and were excellent with their studies. I had a hatred towards that school and still do to this day. But, I have learned that its in the past and i can't go back and change it. If i could i probably would go back and try to do better in my studies. School for me was not a good learning experience. The curriculum was at a high level that i really couldn't understand it and really couldn't stay caught up like the others. On the other hand, my brother succeeded there. He made all A's and maybe a few B's. So I did get jealous sometimes. I have never felt like i was good at anything. I have had positive people around me but i have never really listened to them. I have given them the cold shoulder. Since then, I have learned that fear is just an event. It will only last a while. You can overcome this. It is destroyable. Fear does not come from God. 2nd Timothy 1:7 says, For I (God) have not given you a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I was not trusting my God enough and that gave the devil time to sneak in and cause a bit of distraction.. But i know that you have to come to a point in your life and really learn to trust God to His word that He is going to take care of you if you let Him.